I hate naming it but I am going to say it out loud, I am in a funk. Just saying makes me feel a little better. This happens ever so often. I am not quite sure the frequency, although its probably every 4 or so years. This one has been particularly bad although I think I have thought that about the other ones as well. In the past I have responded by shaking things up. Maybe resigning from a few of my extracurriculars or hitting the reset button wherever I can.
I wish I could name why the slumps happen. Although given the recent changes in our lives I suppose its not entirely surprising that I am not perfectly peachy. I heard a presentation recently on change and the speaker called the average change experience a J curve. Where you start at the left end of the J and then you go down hill learning and adjusting to this new thing before you break thru to the power and wonder of the new thing on the upper end of the J. I can only hope I am at the bottom of the trough.
This slump most recently culminated in a crying spree that was unfortunately witnessed by my husband, mom, dad and oldest sister. One of my finer moments Unfortunately that was weeks ago and I have since made no progress at improving the situation. Yesterday my first attempt at change was to workout (push ups, wall squats, and the plank) something I have done off and on recently although not very well or consistently. That helped a little I think. I am also going to remove coffee from my diet, again. I thought I could handle it but I think it makes me crazy. The other day before I knew it after eating lunch, a good full balanced meal, I then ate the equivalent of another meal using things like chocolate, almond butter, fruit and nut bars and even then to top it off a Clif Bar. I know that sounds silly but having lost weight on the 28 day, Paleo eating plan, to then eating a pile of junk food, to put on weight and see my thin pants get tight, its demotivating, makes me feel bloated, grose, and out of control, instead I feel like chocolate controls me. I think that has been one of the changes that has been hard. We basically stripped out from our lives pleasure from food. And while we have talked about it and thought about it I don’t think we have resolved adding that pleasure back in in other places. So some days I think maybe I should just go back to being my old weight, which wasn’t that bad, took less work to plan good meals, I could eat out more, and “enjoy” foods and drinks. The sad thing is Elliott and I have our budget so locked down I don’t think I could afford to go buy back all new clothes, so I feel stuck.
What else is bothering me. Well I feel a little trapped by this great company we have started. I know that is horrible and awful to say but its true. Some days it is wonderful and affords us a great deal of flexibility and freedom, and for that I am generally grateful. Although other days it sucks. The work is not always very hard, stimulating or gratifying but yet we have to keep doing it to keep making money because there are no other jobs out there right now so love the one you have. Well that doesn’t always work. Its also incredibly stressful to have removed the middle man. Before if I wanted a raise or was unhappy there was this guy standing between me and the other guy I could talk to and put my problems on. Now there is no guy its just us and our client, which by the way we are still working for “the man” our man just moved from our “boss” to our client. Anyway now I have no leverage, I want a raise… well look at the accounting and see if you can pay yourself more. The work is not gratifying… well go out and get more gratifying work or love the one you have. Its empowering and demotivating all in the same.
To top it all off working with your husband makes everything harder. So when either of us is in a professional slump it becomes a personal slump and our marriage has begun to feel and look like a stereotypical marriage to me, in plane words the honeymoon is over. The real tough world has set in and its not all roses anymore. And that makes me sad. Yet I am at loss for how to get that back.
So the other night I decided I am going to make a change. Some change for the better. I am going to shake things up. I am not quite sure what that will entail but I hope that it will be fun, exciting, and renewing.
